Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
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Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
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Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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