You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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