Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
