I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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