I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
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