he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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