cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
