I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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