I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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