some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
