My first STD was from a foam party
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I came so hard my ears popped.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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