Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
