woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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