We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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