my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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