Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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