I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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