And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
