I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
