Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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