Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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