meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
