i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Everyone says I win the strip club
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
