Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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