hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
You're like the curious george of whores
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
