i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
