Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
