covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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