I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
