you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
