just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
