best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
