i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
