I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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