hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
