Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
