Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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