you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Randomize
