you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
