i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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