i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I didn't notice because vodka
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
