Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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