we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
