Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
