Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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