Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
