I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
