I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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