I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
