finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
