i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
