So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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