i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize