so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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