I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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