Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
