I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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