No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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