between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
