just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
