Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
honey bunches of taint.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
