Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
