Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
